Second Semester Senior

Dear last semester of high school,

I have senioritus. Not a bad case of senioritus, but nonetheless a case. I go home,  not wanting to do homework, not wanting to do anything actually. I feel so lazy. I want to slack so much, but teachers are still so tough and demanding. Why? Why are our expectations so high? It's senior year, what do they expect? Straight A's? Ok yeah, it is Deerfield and we are academically strong, but its SENIOR YEAR! So stop expecting so much out of me mom and dad! I'm supposed to have fun these last few months. Enjoy my time with my friends. I should be checked out. I truly am not though. Those two AP classes are brutal and making me bust my ass. And to just drop them or slack in them would look so bad. So thanks senior year, I still don't have the social life I wanted my last few months. Sweeeeeeet. So ap bio and ap eng, please give me a break...

Looooove,
Jell

Hidden Bias

The Race IAT test was not able to give me an interpretation of my data due to my many errors. Therefore, I cannot speak to my results. But I can write about my experience. I believed this test was very stressful. For the first two surveys I didn't even understand what I was doing so I understand why my results were uninterpretable. And once I understood what I was doing, I was very frustrated and shaken up. I would often mix up what the "e" and "i" stood for. I also found the questions before and after to not be necessary because the interpretation should only be based upon the data received from taking the test. Discussing with my peers different interpretations, few people seemed pleased. Someones interpretation of data told them that they moderately to strongly prefer European American to African American and she was appalled! She does not find that to be true at all, and frustrated her a lot. Someone else was told that they preferred African Americans to European Americans and she too was surprised to be in the 6%. I was not surprised with the breakdown of the interpretations though because many people still do have bias feelings, but just don't let them influence their every day behavior.

What I gained from this experience, is that this test did not label someone racist or not. what I find important for people to realize is that this test interpreted data, telling you what you prefer. Just because you prefer a white person over a black person, it does not mean you are racist. It just means you feel more comfortable with one more than the other. I definitely see that I prefer whites over blacks, but I am not racist. I do not hate blacks. I can also say how I prefer Greeks over Jews because I am Greek. It doesn't mean anything. I don't hate Jews, in fact I live in a Jewish-dominated neighborhood. People need to understand that this just told each test taker what they preferred and not whether or not they were racist.

Columbine #5 - Judgment Day

I felt that this was a good conclusion to the novel. Everyhting was tied up and presented appropriately. All the information and research was used in the novel and now conclusions were made. Detectives found the motive to be psychopathy. They had left journals, sites, and even tapes called the basement tapes. Everything was left, they wanted people to know why they had done it. It was no mystery. I again find this very sick and disturbing because most people would want it to be a mystery and seem innocent, with no connection to the scene. But Eric was a psychopath and Dylan feeded off of him so Eric was already messed up psychologically. According to doctors, his brain scan would even turn up different. So I guess he doesn't need a reason. He is a psychopath.

What I loved about the end of the novel is that God became more prevalent. The community turned to God to cope and became more religious. Faith was strengthened and the community united. The God inside of everyone came out. Rachel, known as the martyr, helped other students/witnesses/victims turn to God and believe. People began praying in groups, holding hands. This is very powerful, showing that God is always there waiting for you to reach out for him. However, many questioned God and asked why this had to happen. I found this normal becuase it is human for us to question, but to curse God is the worse sin. No one blamed God in Columbine, but asked for support. Faith grew in this town.

Every book I finish, never answers all my questions. I ask this main question to the world: How do friends, family, the community not notice the signs of a killer and how can they ignore them? I have watched so many depression and suicide videos that I am to recognize the signs and do something about it. How were they not able to see that Eric was so dark and saw humans as his specimen? And how did Dylan's parents not notice his drinking habits? How were Eric's vandalizing and bullying actions forgotten so easily? I guess friends and family would answer that they didn't think it was too serious. And I believe the world needs to be educated so we don't disregard actions and feelings like these again. If we are educated, we might be able to prevent another crime like this.

Columbine #4 - Take Back the School

In the fourth part of the novel, I was introduced to a new theory regarding why Eric and Dylan wanted to kill. Psychopathy. One word to explain almost all of it. After all the investigating, conclusions were made that he was not normal, but neither was he insane. He was a psychopath. Doctors studying the boys and psychopathy discovered that this is what drove them to kill. They found emotions fascinating. They had random outbursts. They feel like they are a different being. They find pleasure out of killing. They operate like robots. Just like we devour a turkey, Eric and Dylan find humans to be their specimens. Eric had almost all the signs: "gratuitous lying, indifference to the pain of others, defiance of authority figures, unresponsiveness to reprimands or threatened punishment, petty theft, persistent aggression, cutting classes and breaking curfew, cruelty to animals, early experimentation with sex, and vandalism and setting fires" (242). Eric had bragged about nine of the ten in his journal and web site. He also didn't have a plan for his future. And what is interesting is that Dylan feeds off Eric. Eric, the psychopath was in control of course, but Dylan the sidekick can hold his excitement for the big day. They made a great duo. They both found horror to be intellectual.

So I questioned in other posts their motive and why and how. This is the answer. I, along with the rest of the world found their deed to be sick. Well it was. He was a psychopath, he didn't have feelings most the time and saw humans as specimens. I guess I now understand, but it still puts me in awe. How could this take over someone so easily and control them? It makes sense, but I don't want to believe that there are many psychopaths out there because there is no cure. What if there is a psychopath at Deerfield? We already had bomb threats, what if the actual thing happened? All it needs is one angry psychopath like Eric who has a friend like Dylan.

Columbine #3 - The Downward Spiral

In this post I want to focus on how the Columbine community turned to God. There were many congregations held and people began to turn more to God for answers, support, courage, etc. The Reverend even tried returning prayer to public schools. What I found most interesting is that the community began calling Rachel, a victim, a martyr. Craig told the story of how a killer had her at point blank with a gun and asked if she believed in God. Without hesitating and not begging for her life she said "Yes, I believe in God." She knew he wasn't religious and that her chances of living were low, but she still did not betray God. Newspapers and the media referred to her as a martyr. And her parents were proud of her. Yes, they wished she had begged for him to spare her life, but they "can't think a more honorable way to die than to profess your faith in God" (181). She became a figure for other students to look up to. Shame of the Lord is unworthy and a sin. I find Rachel inspiring. I am religious, but not very.  I do go to church some Sundays, but some I just wish I had stayed home. I always tend to forget to turn to God when I am suffering or need help. I turn to Him when I think of Him. I want to be able to start praying straight to God, to let him into my life. I want to have her bravery and faith. And most importantly, I never want to curse God and want to stop using his name in vain. This will easily bring me closer to Him and will help me. In English we are reading and discussing  The Book of Job and this scene in Columbine reminded me of Job and how despite everything, Job never cursed God. He had everything taken away from him, but he never betrayed Him. Columbine and Job's stories are very moving and inspire me to strengthen my relationship with God.

Columbine #2 - After and Before

This section of the novel focused on the aftermath of the massacre. How did the community react? What were the implications? What was the motif? And was there a specific target? This section was full of questions. And the biggest question was the WHY. 

The media at first took every piece of information. The calls recieved during the massacre were used, along with the never-ending interviews. Each student became a witness to the investigation, the words became interchangable. The media not only was trying to decipher what had happened, but also how it changed the community. Littleton united; they asked questions, mourned together, and wept together. Cullen describes their expressions as "vacant," like they didn't know what to feel. I believe this occured from the shock. There were also so many emotions inside, that they didn't know how to show them; they were angry, confused, scared, sad, tired, and surprised all at the same time. Friends and family were still missing, and even worse, some were dead. Some were left in the school lying on the floor, or even outside on the pavement. Some were in hospitals recieving treatment. Some crowded around hospital patients for comfort and others crowded around the premises of the crime scene. Rachel, a student killed, had flowers placed all around her car in the parking lot and students would gather around and weep together. Littleton underwent a dramatic change.

Many professionals were brought to the crime scene; the FBI, local police officers, detectives, therapists, psychologists, and more. Many questions were brought to the thinking table: Should they rebuild the school to the way it was or remodel? Which would shock the students more? How could they help families cope with the tragic event? How would they interview everyone? How would detectives and the media create a conclusion from the facts provided? Where would the students now go to school? Who had died? Who were the killers and conspirators? What was their motif? All these brains were trying to answer these questions. They researched, interviewed, and searched Dylan and Eric's homes and were able to make some conclusions, but the case was never over.

The common description of the killers was that they were wearing trench coats. This led students to believe they were a part of the Trench Coat Mafia (TCM), a group of students who wanted to make a statement. However, Eric and Dylan were not from the TCM, but only adapted the trench coats for the dark look and convenience because they easily stored many weapons. They confused the audience with these trenchcoats and made them seem like gothic and isolated loners who hated jocks, the common stereotype of shooters. I think this was smart for what they were doing becuase they were disguised and played a different role, like a movie! 

The more research they did, the more detectives found. Eric left behind journals explaining why he had put together this massacre and how he did it. There were sketches and reflections. He wanted them to find this. What I found interesting is that his past and childhood reflected upon his actions. Eric harassed an old friend Books who apparently betrayed him. Brooks had leaked information to Eric's parents about Eric and Eric was furious. He began vandalizing Brooks' home and encouraged others to do so as well on his website. He provided him with the address and described Brooks as an "asshole." Brooks was one of the people he harassed and vandalized. Everything slowly came together for the investigators.

I am eager to read the next section because I believe that they will reveal what was actually in Eric's journals. Why did he want to do this? How did he do this? And how did he convince Dylan to join him? Had Dylan chose to do this? How much input did Dylan have? After reading this section of many questions, more questions are raised.

Columbine #1--Female Down

April 20, 1999, a tragic day, a day full of fear, doubt, blood, tears, surprise, rejoice, hope, smiles, and unity. I didn't know much about this day. I was five years old, therefore I don't remember anything and I never researched it. All I knew was that it was one of the biggest, planned, and surprising school shootings in the nation. This novel by Dave Cullen has taught me about the school shooting, and has reeled me in with every page I have read so far. The suspense and historical aspect intrigues me so much.

I really liked the opening to the novel. It provided a type of foreshadow to the big shooting. The principal gathered the school for an assembly to remind them to make wise choices during homecoming weekend. He wanted to see everyone's faces the next morning on Monday. By being proactive and making this speech, he reminded the school that they were a family. He didn't want any tragic stories, he wanted everyone to return back to their family, Columbine. His speech was so touching and heart-warming, yet effective, that it truly set the rest of the novel up. It set up the novel for the tragic, surprise school shooting.

Next, the novel focused on two figures, Eric and Dylan. These were the school shooters. No one would have known. They were so-called normal high school kids. Eric was described as a "cool brain. he smoked, he drank, he dated. He got invited to parties. He got high. he worked his look hard. . . He broke the rules, tagged himself with the nickname reb, but did his homework and earned himself a slew of As. And he got chicks. Lots and lots of chicks" (6). Eric seems normal, not depressed, not angry, not crazy. He was a normal high schooler with responsibilities that also knew how to have fun! Then there was Dylan who was "meek, self-conscious, and authentically shy. he could barely speak in front of a stranger, especially a girl. . . Dylan Klebold was a brain, too, but not quite so cool. . . He saw the worst version of himself" (7). Dylan beat himself up and wasn't like Eric, yet they were still best friends. Dylan is just shyer, especially with Eric by his side. But none of this shows that he could have been a shooter. They were two typical kids. When Cullen was  introducing them, it was just so hard to picture them conspiring against the whole school, against their friends. How did they come to this? Why did they want to do this? How did they hide everything?

The next thing that surprised me were the plans for the "Judgment Day." How did two kids, at the age of 17 plan such a horrific event? How did they plan it so detailed? They truly thought about everything. How to make the bombs, where to set them, when to trigger them, how the day would pass. They split their plan into three phases. The first, which never occurred due to dumb errors, was a bomb in the commons, acting as a decoy. They had detailed drawings of everything. Eric was the mastermind to this plan and even wanted to "watch the library and its inhabitants crash down upon the flaming lunchers" (33). Phase two was the phase Eric and Dylan were "savoring. It was also when they expected to die. They had little hope of witnessing act 3" (34). They would be firing at classmates and teachers point blank. This would be the killing spree they had been wanting and planning for the past year and a half, and they weren't going to mess it up. Everything was perfectly planned, down to the minute. I would turn the page and only 3 minutes had gone by on that day. Everything was in increments, so carefully planned. It amazed me how two kids could plan this so well, by themselves. HOW??? And how did they follow through with it? The killing seemed so casual, so mechanical. Cullen wrote how they "shared a whole lot of hoots and howls and hearty laughs. What a freaking wild time" (46). To find it as a fun time, is disturbing! Killing people is fun?? But how? And how did they seem so normal on the outside, if they are clearly messed up kids who have the desire to kill?

What struck me though were all the different reactions. The police were in awe and trying to label the situation and take hold of it. They tried to hold themselves together in order to support the community and control the situation. Most parents were a wreck, trying to find out if their children were alive. To be in a parent's shoes at that time would be heart-breaking and nerve-wrecking. All the parent could do is wait. Then there are the children inside, panicking, trying to find cover, trying to make sense of what is happening. Many called the police and news reporters to tell them information. So many were injured, some even dead. But throughout the whole shooting, the teachers were supportive and led the students to safety. This reminded me of all the fire drills throughout the year. The teachers and students have to take them seriously because you never know what will happen, just like those at Columbine didn't know.

My first impression of this novel, after reading the first section is awe and amazement, along with sadness. How can two students plan such an act and commit such a deed?

HAPPY NEW YEAR

When I was younger, my family and I would go around the dinner table on New Years and say a resolution. Often, I even had a list written out and at the end of each year, I would check off what I had accomplished, what I was still striving for, and goals that needed to be refined for the new year. This year I returned to this tradition and hopefully I will have an amazing year of accomplishments. 

Some of my resolutions--May seem typical, but this will suffice for an amazing year.

1. Stay focused in school, and ignore the senioritus. Do not procrastinate.
2. Study hard, achieving straight As.
3. Help my family around the house by doing chores.
4. Stay close with my friends and family.
5. Keep working and saving money, in order to go on vacation.
6. Get closer to my church youth group and God.
7. LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE

My mom also has shared stories with me of her New Years Day tradition in her family growing up. My pappou (grandpa in Greek) would have all his children do chores, work, read, study, etc. All day they would stay busy around the house or doing homework. My pappou would have them do this because he believed that whatever you did the first day of the year, you did for the rest of the year. So in order to have a successful year, they needed to start it off by doing everything right.